The Narcissist’s Mother
Uploaded by palma on Oct 09, 2000
Sam Vaknin's Psychology, Philosophy, Economics and Foreign Affairs Web SitesA. The Loved Enemies - an Introduction An oft-overlooked fact is that the child is not sure that it exists. It avidly absorbs cues from its human environment. “Am I present?”, “Am I separate?”, “Can I be noticed?” – these are the questions that compete in his mind with his need to merge, to become a part of his caregivers. Granted, the infant (ages 0 to 2) does not engage in a verbal formulation of these “thoughts” (which are part cognitive, part instinctual). This nagging uncertainty is more akin to a discomfort, like being thirsty or wet. The infant is torn between its need to differentiate and distinguish its SELF - and its no less urgent need to assimilate and integrate by being assimilated and integrated.
H. Kohut :
“Just as we know, from the point of view of the physiologist, that a child needs to be given certain foods, that he needs to be protected against extreme temperatures, and that the atmosphere he breathes has to contain sufficient oxygen, if his body is to become strong and resilient, so do we also know, from the point of view of the depth-psychologist, that he requires an empathic environment, specifically, an environment that responds (a) to his need to have his presence confirmed by the glow of parental pleasure and (b) to his need to merge into the reassuring calmness of the powerful adult, if he is to acquire a firm and resilient self.”
(From: “The Dynamics and Treatment of Alcoholism”)
The child’s nascent Self must first overcome its feelings of diffusiveness, of being an extension of its caregivers (also parents, in this text), or a part of them. Kohut says that the parents perform the functions of the Self for their child. More likely, a battle is joined from the first breath of the child: a battle to gain autonomy, to usurp the power of the parents, to become a distinct unit. The child refuses to let the parents be its Self for him. It rebels and seeks to depose them and take over their functions. The better the parents serve as selfobjects (in lieu of the child’s Self) – the stronger the child’s Self becomes, the more vigorously it fights for its independence. The parents, in this sense, are like a benign, benevolent and enlightened colonial power, which performs the...